I have the same exact problem that you do. To this day, I’ve only ever spoken to a handful of people who share this affliction.
For me, it’s like moving towards a cliff edge. If I go over the cliff, it’s a rollercoaster of anxiety that doesn’t stop for several hours of agony.
I’ve got enough experience to know (more or less) where the cliff is, but each hit or edible is like putting a bit of momentum behind you and not knowing how far it’s going to push you. It feels like the game of “Closest to the edge”.
The worst feeling is knowing you’re moving towards that cliff and can’t stop the momentum before it’s too late.
Fortunately, I’ve found something that gives me that “chill” without the “thrill”: CBD.
CBD is like natural Xanax for me. No anxiety, just the relaxation I so badly want.